it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
