i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
