You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
