so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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