I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
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I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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