I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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