Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love having hate sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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