I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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