Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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