hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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