He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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