I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
