I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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