Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
