She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
