Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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