I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
