Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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