Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
