fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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