I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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