He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
someone owes me an orgasm
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
