epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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