broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
