Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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