you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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