Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
