haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
