I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
