Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
