I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he puts the penis in happiness.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
