woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
