why didn't you poke me back
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
