I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
