ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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