apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
