When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
