That's when you crack a 10am beer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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