I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
