I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
