You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
