I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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