can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
