The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
