I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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