We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
whose parrot is this?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
