I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
