And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
