I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
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