I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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