She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
