Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
