I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
