I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We have started to decorate penises.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
