We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
