she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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