well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
