So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
