Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
