I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
