: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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