I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize