ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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